THE CLOCK

It's been a long time. Weeks. Days. Hours. Minutes. 

I have been waiting. Patiently. I have been calm. Collected. And keeping it together. I have denied myself any anxiety. I have forced myself to not think about any of it. I have denied myself the pleasure of any thoughts. I have made no issue of it.

I truly have become my own slave. I have obeyed myself. Don't think. Don't wonder. Don't imagine. You're not allowed. Not now.

I have been patient. I have been good. So good. I deserve a medal. A star. Wish I was a kid, as in school you get stars when you're good. I have been good. Really. Honestly. Truly.

I have not cheated. I have not lied. I have not been naughty. I have not been bad. Promise. I only have been good. Very good. 

I proud myself for being the man I am. The good man. The true man. The man that is loved. Not only by myself, but by him. MY one. THE one.

I have been hanging in there. Holding one. With dear life. Clutching onto that branch. That twig.

That bit I can clutch. I've grab it with both hands. Hold on for dear life. For the now. For the later. Forever. Don't let your grip slip. Not now. Not later. Not ever. 

I cannot let myself down. Others. Them. Me. Most of it all HIM. No way. Not him. Ever. He's far to special. 

Concentrate man. Concentrate. Think. Be clear. Be precise. Focus. Focus now.  

I can do it. I can do it. I am doing it. I am. Doing. It.

... break. Give yourself a break. Soon. Very soon. Hold on!

The time is close. So close. I can feel it. It's happening. It's close. I am close. WE are close.

Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Another second. Another minute. Another hour. It's gone. By. Past. 

Tick. Tock. 

I tick. I tock. I'm starting to tremble a bit. NO. NO. NO. Hold on. Hang in there.

I can do it. I can do this. I can. I can. And most of all, I will. I want. 

Breathe. Take another breath. 

Smile.

I am happy. So happy.

Cause I am doing it - holding on. Till that moment in time. And that moment will come...

Oh yes, it will.

Then. And only then.... 

I WILL LET GO. 

Till then - 

...tick tock tick tock tick tock....

WALKING

Challenges make life interesting, however, overcoming them is what makes life meaningful. - Mark Twain

I take a step. I stop. Standing there wondering if I should take another step. Then I do. Slowly, but surely. Something inside me makes me do this. I feel some power that drives me. I keep taking steps. Slowly - almost if I'm not sure.  However, it feels good to do this. To be honest, it feels great.  I have within me a feeling that makes this' taking steps' easy.
I feel better with each step I take. More and more secure. The more steps I take the better I feel. This is a fantastic feeling. I like the feeling.  I like taking steps. I like moving forward.
I'm getting good at this now. One foot in front of the other. And a next. Left. Right. Left. Right. I can do this. And I'm getting really good at this. The more steps I take, the better I feel. I'm so happy about this. This is great. Let's take another... and another. I move. Forward. Not really thinking about taking any steps back. I want to move ahead. Ahead to 'there'. I want to get 'there'. However, I think that I should take it easy... no rushing. What if I step forward to quickly? Will I tumble, fall over and hurt myself? I don't want pain. The pain may makes me cry perhaps. I'm not taking the risk. I don't want to mess this up. I'm going to take each step at my own pace. I know the pace I can handle. I know I can handle this. This thing called... walking.

MY SLAVEBOY'S LOVE

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The Start...

Out of the blue. From nowhere. There is was. Words. ...and it was May 9, 2010. 1015 hrs. Precisely.

How little did I know the world I'm entering. Luckily I didn't - as then it may have scared me to death. So I went with it. Took a step. Entered that door that was wide open in front of me. Looking back I realise I had no fear. Fear was not, and is still not, part of this journey. I feel I don't know the meaning behind that word. And that's a good feeling.

Right from the Start it was right. I felt it then. I feel it now. And I will always feel it. It washed over me like the most wonderful wave. It had all the makings of an ocean wave. It was a bit rough, yet soothing. There was the slow, gentle wash up on shore. The smooth pull back into the big pool of happiness. Now and then something in the way - like a rock, pebble, seaweed - but always back to the soothing pool of peace and harmony.

Don't be fooled by the pool though. It can be rough. Angry. Upsetting. Whirl around madly like emotions battering the walls of your mind. Pulling, plucking your heartstrings. One promise though - it will always settle back to a pool of peace and harmony. It will always surround you and cover you. Protect you. Be there for you.

I want to be YOUR pool. Protect. Wash. Heal. Soothe. Mess with you. Swirl you around. Be rough with you. Take you down deep. Then gently wash you ashore. And drag you slowly, but surely, back into me.

This is exactly how it felt at... the Start.